


Memories

by Snowstream



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Badly, Emotional Trauma, Future!Loki, Immortal Angst, Immortal Problems, Like, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki is an idiot, Loki needs help, M/M, OC needs ALL the hugs, Sad, Sending, You asked for this, as much as i will, feast for the dead, i hope you delight in your suffering, immortal feels, in the future, loki can't deal with loss, loki is delirious, loki needs to eat, loki needs to sleep, thor needs to be more sinsitive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-12
Packaged: 2018-05-19 14:10:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5969869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowstream/pseuds/Snowstream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"How do you do it? How can you live on, into eternity, knowing that the people you love can never be by your side?" <br/>Living on after a loved one dies can be horrifying, painful, and incredibly sad. Especially when you're Loki.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Majinie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Majinie/gifts).



> Inspired by an RP I'm doing with Majinie, which may or may not be posted on this site some day, and this may or may not be canon to that. Hope you enjoy. Or suffer. Both is fine.

Loki wandered aimlessly through the halls of the royal castle of asgard. The emptiness of the golden corridors ("This is so over-the-top, I'm geting the creeps. And I'm usually the king of over-the-top.") reflected the emptiness of his thoughts. He tried to think about anything, anything at all, but he couldn't focus. His mind, usually the sharpest weapon in his arsenal, strong and always brilliant in the face of any opposition ("Seriously, do you ever, like, NOT overthink everything?"), was now broken, and nothing made sense anymore. Nothing had made sense ever since he had watched that burning boat drift away into the distance ("Wow. That is one helluva way to go. When i go, you put me on the biggest boat you can find, and make it look awesome."). No matter how much he wanted to push it away, how much he wanted to forget this horrible, awful truth, all he could focus on was the picture of the flames consuming the man he loved, and the gnawing emptiness in his heart that came with it.  
Without thinking, his feet carried him to his brother's chambers, and the sounds of raucous laughter finally penetrated the haze around his mind. He stood in the open doorway, his empty gaze falling on the filled banquet tables, the musicians in the corner, and finally on Thor himself, telling some story to the Warriors Three, who were bellowing with laughter, even the grim Hogun cracking a smile at some of the retold antics of Anthony Edward Stark.  
Right. The sending was still going strong (A guy gets a massive feast in his honour and everyone tells stories of how awesome he was? You really know how to make a burial sound interesting."), and he had absolutely no intention of being further reminded of what he had lost. He turned away, without ever announcing his presence. The emptiness was better than the shrill dissonance of the merry scene in front of him and the pain in his heart.  
He started wandering the halls again, absentmindedly going the familiar route to his and Tony's chambers ("You want me to move in with you? in Castle Ostentatious? If the digs are as a mazing as the liquor, sign me up."), but turning away once he realized where he was heading. Sleep would be a welcome reprieve, but he couldn't face an empty bed right now, couldn't bear to look at the inventor's leftover knicknacks and personal belongings ("It's organized chaos. I always know exactly where everything is, It's your own problem if you can't keep track of my genius!"). The Prince didn't know how long he wandered. Minutes, Hours, Days, Years, Eternities. It was all the same to his empty mind. Days passed in a haze, he was dimly aware of people passing him by in the halls, the sun rising and falling again outside, but he didn't care. Tired and worn out, his tears long since faded he still couldn't face the emptiness of his chambers. Sleep was far beyond his reach, even though he was about to fall over from exhaustion ("Dammit, Lokes, stop overworking yourself. This is the fifth time i've had to drag you to bed this month.").  
He didn't even notice when soft hands took him by the shoulders, a warm voice asking him if he was okay. He didn't remember falling into strong arms, or being carried and layed down into a soft bed and finally drift away into a long, dreamless sleep.  
The sun woke him up. It's soft, warm beams burned his eyes even through his closed eyelids, so he nuggled deeper into his blankets and turned his head to face the mattress. Usually he would just bury his head in Tony's chest, but he seemed to be already up, going by the sounds of food preparation emenating from a few rooms over. At least there was something he could do about the sun. "JARVIS, lower the blinds. You know how much i hate sunlight in the morning." Unfortunately, this had no immediate effect on the brightness level of the room, and this pinged some dark part of his brain. Something wasn't right. "JARVIS?" He tried again, louder, hoping that the microphones just hadn't picked up his soft voice. This time, he got a response, just not the one he was hoping for.


	2. Chapter 2

"You're in Asgard, Loki. I get that you're a bit disoriented, considering you've run around the castle for about two days and then fell over from exhaustion, so I don't blame you. Breakfast?"   
Raising his head, Loki's gaze fell on a middle aged man dressed in a simple blue tunic, carrying a tray laden with delicious smelling food. Loki nodded gratefully, still confused. while he didn't mind waking up to an old friend bringing him breakfast, he was still unsure as to where he was, and why he was there. Then he noticed something about his host. It wasn't the kind, brown eyes, shining with intelligence and a hint of mischief, nor was it the smooth face which showed nothing of the hardships he had endured in his life, or the simple asgardian clothes, which looked thoroughly out of place on the man who would usually walk around in comfortable slacks or ridiculous longcoats. It was his hairstyle, the only thing that reminded the knowing of the man's past. The straight brown hair, usually faishonably unkempt and falling to his shoulders, was braided back and then cut off close to the scalp, in the mourning tradition of the long forgotten royal house of Itrin.   
Mourning.  
Someone had died.  
Tony.   
Tony was dead.  
Loki's mind broke again. The short period of peace had only served to replenish his tear ducts, and the next thing he knew was that he was lying curled up on the bed, Vode sitting on the edge of the bed and holding him, speaking calming words in his ear and stroking his back in soothing circles. All the hurt came rushing back, and the image of that boat ("The biggest one you can find") going up in flames was playing over and over before his mind's eye. He cried till his throat hurt and his eyes burned and the sobs came with coughing fits, and still he couldn't form a coherent thougt ("Geez, Loki, you are REALLY bad with feelings, aren't you? I mean, trying to kill your brother and take over the world because of THAT? You need to develop a tougher hide if you really want to be with me."). After what felt like hours of sobbing, he finally managed to pull himself together enough to wipe his face dry with the handkerchief Vode handed him, and for the first time in three days he felt somewhat... alright. Not good, certainly not happy, but he was finally able to think again, and he could open his mouth without crying again.   
"Sometimes it's good to just get it off your chest. Glad i could help." Loki looked up at his host, who was now looking disappointedly at the breakfast tray. "Dammit, now everythings cold. You want me to make lunch? You definitely need to get something inside you ("Holy shit, Vode, is every word out of your mouth an innuendo? You desperately need to get laid, my friend."). You haven't eaten since the sending, and you didn't even eat that nuch then." Loki managed to suppress another round of sobs, to ask "How do you do it? How can you live on, into eternity, knowing that the people you love can never be by your side?" Vode's eyes returned from the tray of cold breakfast to Loki's face, his serious gaze all the more disturbing because it was coming from a face that was usually always cheerful, or at least relaxed. "How do i do it?" Loki gulped. He was suddenly very aware that he had poked into some very old wounds of the immortal's past. But now the question was out, and the emptiness was killing him anyway, and maybe, just maybe the other man could help him deal with it. "Yes. You must know what I'm feeling. You must have felt it a thousand times. How can you go on? How can you just... forget the pain and move on? Please, tell me, because I can feel the emptiness in my heart eating away at me and i want it to stop!"   
There were a few moments of silence as Vode looked into his eyes, as if searching his soul, laying bare all dishonesties and half truths and boring straight through to the very core of his being ("I swear, the guy is psychic or something. When he goes into full immortal mode, I swear his eyes get more creepy every time i look at him."). Then, he smiled, a sad, meaningful smile that spoke of loss, and pain, and acceptance. He held out his hadn. "How i do it? I can show you, although i can't guarantee that it will help you. Give me your hand."   
Loki eyed the offered hand wearily, suddenly very aware of the scope of what he had asked, and scared, at the memories of what the other man could do to people with just a touch. Pictures of powerful warriors, psychics, even gods falling to the ground sobbing and screaming, minds broken beyond repair by the immortals shared misery. But he was certain that this was not that, that Vode was still his friend and that he would not do that to him. Also, he just wanted to get rid of the pain, and any hope was better than this. He took the hand. And the world fell away around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LIED! This still isn't the end, because i really like cliffhangers. And tomorrow we'll get a look into Vode's head, and maybe a little help for poor Loki.


	3. Chapter 3

Loki stood in a hallway. Although the word didn't really do the massive space justice. It was as wide from wall to wall as Avengers Tower, high enough for a Blue Angels airshow and stretched into the distance so far that he couldn't make out the far wall. Doors lined the walls at even intervals, and in front of ever door stood a statue, or sometimes mutiple. The marble walls were lit by a warm glow, even though he could see no light source or window, and every door was surrounded by intricate murals, inlaid with gold or silver. Loki was so absorbed by the magnificience of the sight that he only remembered that he wasn't alone when Vode withdrew his hand from Loki's grasp and announced, in a suddenly deep and sorrowful voice: "Welcome to the palace of my mind." Loki turned around, and gaped again. The voice wasn't the only thing that had changed about his old friend. Standing beside him was a tall man of vaguely arabic ethnicity, black hair falling loosely to his shoulders, his bearing regal and his face set in an expression of stoic determination. He kind of reminded Loki of his father, if not in looks then in the way he held himself and the expression on his face, both of which just screamed "King". If the asgardian prince had never before witnessed Vode changing bodies, he would not have believed this was still the same man. Even so, it took him a while to get over his shock.  
"We're in your mind? I was not aware you could do something like that. Impressive though. So, what's this place?"  
"You asked how i could deal with eternity without my loved ones. The answer is, i can't. So i made this place for them, in my mind. It is impressive because they deserve nothing less. Everyone that ever meant something to me has their place here, where i carry their legacy whithin my mind. Let me show you." They walked forward, and stopped in front of two men, standing side by side. Now that he could see them closer, Loki realized that they weren't really statues, more like images, or as if the people were actually there, frozen in time. These two seemed to be brothers, if their similar faces were anything to go by. They both had blonde hair and golden eyes, and they both had similar relaxed, confident stances. The taller one was wearing a red coat over a black shirt and black trousers, and black combat boots. His face showed an expression of confidence and determination, giving anyone who looked at him the impression he could, and would do even the impossible he had his arm slung protectively around his smaller brothers shoulders. The younger one wore a simple blue tunic and white trousers. His expression was kind, but worried, he gave off the feel of someone who cared deeply for those around him. Loki looked back at Vode, who was regarding the brothers with some fondness in his eyes. "Edua and Alphos. My mentors and teachers in the art of alchemy, back when i was still a young prince in the Great Realm. Shall i show you their legacy?"  
Loki nodded, very aware that he was about to be shown something very personal, and that it was a rare honour bestowed upon him. Together they entered the room behind the wooden door, which was surrounded by stylized depictions of what Loki assumed to be memorable moments in their lives. The door opened into a room that looked to be half museum, half alchemy lab. The right wall was occupied by workbenches full of weird looking apparati and glass containers, some of which Loki recognized from Vode's room back at the Tower, and working aisles stretched into the middle of the room. The wall above the the workbenches was lined with shelves and cabinets, filled with containers of every shape, size and material, containing ingredients and materials, all neatly ordered and labeled. This part of the room seemed almost normal, as if the brothers had just worked here the day before. The rest of the room was where the museum feel came in. It was filled with memorabilia. Edua's red coat, a big suit of armour, books and pictures, a silver watch, and many more things were spread around the room, all lovingly arranged and displayed on stands and trophy cases. As if by a silent agreement, Vode remained standing at the door and left the Asgardian to wander through the room and take everything in. Whenever Loki got close to an item, he somehow knew hat it was, and why it had been important. "This... this is amazing. It is like... like memory given shape." His look suddenly fell on an Item that seemed different from the others. It was a book, relatively small and bound in dull, brown leather. It was at the far back wall of the room, in a display vitrine, and noticeably distanced from everything else around it. When he approached it, the lighting in the room seemed to change, and he felt a strange resistance, as if the book didn't want to be looked at. Loki frowned, then looked back at Vode questioningly. Only when he saw the man's painful look did he understand. "This is it, isn't it? In this book..."  
Vode nodded guiltily. "Their research journal on the subject of the Essence of a person. My continuation of that research and my notes on the gaining of immortality. The creation of the ritual that destroyed the Great Realm and made me immortal. Even my plan for implementing it. It's all in there. Come, this is a memory more painful than most, and i want to show you something else." With one last mournful look around, he turned and walked back out into the hallway. Loki followed him out, and immediately he was speechless again. When had first taken stock of his surroundings he had only looked at what was in front of him, completely forgettin to turn around. Now hhe could see one end of the corridor. There wall was the most ornate there, with murals painted in all colours and inlaid with gems, surrounding a big set of double doors, similarly beautifully crafted. The person in front of the door was a beautiful woman, with short, black hair and stunning green eyes. She wore practical clothes, a basic tunic and trousers, but somehow the simplicity of the clothing only served to accentuate her beauty. Her face was set in a knowing smirk, as if everything amused her, and Loki got the feeling that she must have been incredibly fun to be around. He looked at Vode, for some sort of explanation, why that woman seemed to be the most important person there, and was surprised to find his friend crying. While he was still depating with himself whether to go over and try to comfort the normally carefree and positive man, Vode noticed him looking and wiped his face with his sleeve, trying to dry his tears. "Pitra. My first love. She helped me grow from a bratty little princeling into a capable leader and decent person. She... She was special. In all my years, i have never met anyone quite like her. But you are not here because you want to hear my life's story. Walk with me, what you must see is at the other end." He wiped his face again, and set off along the hallway at a brisk pace, never looking back at the face of the most important person in his heart. But somehow, Loki got the feeling that he visited her every day, and that he didn't need to look at her image to have her face in his mind's eye. They walked in silence for what felt like hours, past countless doors and images, never stopping to look at anyone closely, until they reached the end of the hallway. This side was not as glamorous as the beginning, the wall had no door and was plain white. The last few doors were not as ornately decorated, and the murals and people looked kind of unfinished.  
"This is recent. These legacies are not yet finished, because these people are still alive." Loki understood. And when he looked at them again, he began to recognize some. Steve, his broad shoulders, heroic stance and the outline of his shield on his back already recognizable. There was Bucky, the metal arm glinting, and the twin images of Janet van Dyne and Hank Pym. Next to that, Thor, holding Mjolnir, and next to Thor... "Is that me?" Loki began walking towards an indistinct figure in a green robe, a horned helmet unfinished atop his head. Vode grabbed his arm. "That is not for you to see. Your actions in life will decide what i will put in there. For now, though..." he guided him to Tony Stark. This image was fully formed, Tony magnificient in his armour, the helmet tucked under his arm, on his face a cocky smirk, as if he was ready for anything, and sure he could deal with it. Now it was Loki who cried. Vode held him, as he lost himself in the image of his lover, so lifelike as if he were to jump from the pedestal any time and fly off to some new, stupid adventure, or crack a bad joke. He cried and cried and cried, but somehow, as his sobs slowly receded, and he came back to his senses, he felt... Happy. And he undesrstood, why Vode kept this mental treasure vault, why he collected all these memories, no matter how painful or happy or sad. Because it was reassuring to know that they had left something behind, made their mark on the world. Shaped the future in their image, just as Tony had always wanted. This really was their legacy, and it turned the pain of missing them into pride at their accomplishments.  
"Do you want to go inside?" Loki nodded, and took a step towards the door...  
And stopped. This was Vode's memories of Tony. His provate experience of the Iron Avenger. He wiped his eyes dry, a smile spreading on his face as he made a decision. He turned around, and smiled at Vode, unspoken gratefulness radiating from him. "No, thank you. This is your take on his legacy. Get me back to my body, and I'll make my own."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And like that, it's finished. Hope you liked it, and leave me feedback and/or hatemail. Both is fine.  
> See you around.

**Author's Note:**

> So far, so good. Chapter two and the conclusion to this little oneshot coming tomorrow.


End file.
